fuck you, fuck this, screw all this crap.

not really.

sometimes it's really hard to get through this.

I just realize it would be stupid to whine on other people.

Here I am - going insane.

sometimes some things never go the way I want them to, which is really nothing new - it's life.

but for one time crying out loud, can life be smooth? please?

If I cry desperately, will anyone hear me and reach out?

That's the thing... for now... I'm still alone.

God, get me through this.

heart caught in my throat?

but it's going back down. It's a stepping stone I have to deal with at some time :) because I'M NOT LIKE ALL THOSE OTHER GIRLS! hahahaha :) feel good feel good.

make a move.

sometimes, you just have to move on. time to move and move and go on.
past everything that happened, past everything that once began, past everything that ended.

I'm moving on.

just like this;

Nothing more needs to be said,
Nothing more needs to be done.

Everything eventually changes,
Everything eventually becomes okay.

holding up.

I can do this.
I can do this.
It just takes a lot of time and effort.
I will be over this.
That's life.
It's not like I'll be stuck on this my whole life.
That's crazy. stupid.

dreams.

the days that those unreal things can ruin with vivid imaginations of what ifs... what could have beens.... the thoughts that hold no substance to reality but leaves you lurking in a deep pithole among the many in your memories and thoughts.

silence.

Cover your ears. Your mouth. Your eyes. Your face. Shut yourself off from the world and open yourself to the sound of silence. Reach out slowly with your fingertips. Stretch out your toes. Arch your back. Experience movement. Loosen your form, your shape, your body. Commit yourself to the silence, and then fall asleep. That's my favorite way.

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in... out...

Breathe.
Let the oxygen run through my system and refresh everything.
Sometimes you just have to wipe clean and start fresh.

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I had a dream.

You were in it. You talked to me. I was so happy. I was so glad to hear your voice again. I'm struggling. But you aren't reaching out to me... and I'm determined to stick to my own till August... I'm so frustrated... I really have to stop thinking about you.

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iknowyouknow.WEknow..

The reason why this, between us, works, is not because of you, not because of me, but because fate just won't let us stay apart.

I know what's going through your head because I know you so well enough that your thoughts are all very obvious.

I'm not trying to break us apart.
I'm just being blunt.

I don't want to lose you.
I just need a break from you.

Because I don't like being dependent on you.
Because if I am then you'll take me for a fool.

-----------------------------------------------

It seems like everyone's gotten used to me joking and laughing so much that when I'm serious and silent, they all think that I'm in a bad mood or that something happened. Well, heads up - I'm done with the clown act for now... it's exhausting in it's own way and your way of appreciating my efforts to make you laugh is to ridicule me and that's fine - but after a while you stop respecting me.

You think your words of reassurance will make me feel better... what sucks I see the through the superficiality - you're just treating me the way a stranger with give a lollipop to a kid.

I'm not a kid. I may act stupid but I'm not. I do get sick and tired of things.
Just because I'm no longer foolishly grinning in front of you doesn't mean I'm mad, sad, or angry. It just means I stopped caring about trying to make you laugh.

I have an issue with being alone; a lot of my antics probably also result because of that fear. Because clowns are always surrounded by spectators - they're never alone.

But it's about time I dealt with that issue.... and... I'm not about to let it become an obstacle in my path. I'm not alone. I have God.

greytruth.

If you loved me, you wouldn't treat me this way.
If you love me, why would you hurt me like this?

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shoved away.

I'm trying really hard.
I'm putting in a lot of effort.
I'm gritting my teeth.
I'm shoving it all away.

four guys one place?!

How the hell does my sister expect me to deal with the awkwardness with four guys from four completely different times of my life all together in one place?! I can't believe she's threatening our sisterhood for this.... I so do not feel like going......... and it's so precarious T_T fml...

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antagonist.

I just have to believe that I am the antagonist of this story.
From there, I'll be able to move forward and let go.
"To be purposely misunderstood", I never really understood that concept. But I realize that when you care enough, and when you just can't control yourself, you push yourself to that point of being misunderstood just so that under that veil of lies, you can breathe again, even only for just a moment.

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withdrawal.

Lord, give me strength to overcome.
Lord, help me endure.
The silence that frustrated me yesterday. The silence that brought me peace today. The silence that will help me empty away my burdens tomorrow.
I'm going to welcome it.
Get away from here.
Withdraw - because here, I'm not the strong person I used to be.

gold.

all is quiet.. all is calm.. rivers of gold flow from the setting sun to my fingertips..
my hands deftly dance among the threads of light that shrouds my fingers..
beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but majesty can only be held in the heart..
the azure blue sky.... sometimes powder light...
the gentle wind that brushes its grace along my skin..
how gracious is He who brings all such wonders to my small insignificant life..

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there's me, in you?

I never really gave it much thought, but it sorta hit me spontaneously. I donate blood. I just love seeing it flow out and the warmth of it and the thought that it might help someone else live. But out of the blue right now, it dawned on me that my blood, was out there somewhere, circulating in someone else's blood system. My blood, in a total stranger.

It's a weird feeling; as a part of me is being shared by someone else.

I wonder if I'd ever be able to meet anyone who shares my blood; that would be an incredible feeling.

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you're in my head.

I'm looking up at the ceiling.
My mind was blank
Then slowly you just drifted in.

It's a quiet... still feeling. Nothing stirs. My desires are calm, my heart is calmly thudding away.

But if there's one thing I am focused on, it's you. Subconsciously you.

I wish for the impossible.. the 0.01%.
I'm turning to unrealistic hope.
Five years from now.. will any of this have changed? Hopefully it will have. Or I'm in dire trouble.

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insanity.

i'm absolutely crazy for you. not. LOL. yes actually...
but seriously, you make me dream to make the impossible possible, and for me to want to have hope.. faith.
of course, all in all, it's impossible. but goodness. I love talking to you... I love hearing you... seeing you..... just listening to you. oh fiddle dee fiddle fum :) i don't like you. but i do love you :) as a friend.....

you know though, there's that one thing people say where they quote "friends can never become lovers".. i concurred.
but some people disagreed.. and after you, who knows :) maybe i'll learn to change my opinion!

but all that matters now is, my heart still skips a beat for you, my face gets warm for you, my body tingles for you, and my mind cherishes you. and it may be impossible for us to ever become a couple, but my heart will always have an entire corner reserved for you.

sore feet & winkin' stars.

left foot.
right foot.
both.
the soles.
the toes.
buh ow.

i was looking up at the sky while walking home today. i stared up at it from the bus stop previously a couple times. the amazing thing was.. i could make out more than five stars. i thought i was dreaming, but... i still see them. the LA night sky has shrouded stars for years. But... the other night.... tonight... and from now on hopefully, more nights will be filled with more stars... oh right. speaking of stars - before I forget, just because I need to jot it down somewhere: [Written in the Stars - Eric Turner]

yes. i'm tired.
yes. i'm feeling a little chaotic.
yes. i'm feeling a bit hopeless.

but i will just clench my jaws, my fists, my guts, my heart, my all.... at some point i have to get through everything anyways. nothing comes easy.i don't deserve easy anyways.

at just blank moments like these, it's not a lover, distraction, or best friend i want. because the first would be too busy making me smile to let me just stay glum, the second would end up with me even more exhausted in the end, and the third would constantly be asking one too many questions. wish i had a twin. or, maybe i should go stare in them mirror. or just...a shoulder to rely on, without anything having to be said. just a shoulder.

REALITY rude awakening aims. stop dreaming. what i REALLY need is actually boot camp or something.. to get my head set straight, independent, and goal-oriented. buhh.