in... out...

Breathe.
Let the oxygen run through my system and refresh everything.
Sometimes you just have to wipe clean and start fresh.

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I had a dream.

You were in it. You talked to me. I was so happy. I was so glad to hear your voice again. I'm struggling. But you aren't reaching out to me... and I'm determined to stick to my own till August... I'm so frustrated... I really have to stop thinking about you.

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iknowyouknow.WEknow..

The reason why this, between us, works, is not because of you, not because of me, but because fate just won't let us stay apart.

I know what's going through your head because I know you so well enough that your thoughts are all very obvious.

I'm not trying to break us apart.
I'm just being blunt.

I don't want to lose you.
I just need a break from you.

Because I don't like being dependent on you.
Because if I am then you'll take me for a fool.

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It seems like everyone's gotten used to me joking and laughing so much that when I'm serious and silent, they all think that I'm in a bad mood or that something happened. Well, heads up - I'm done with the clown act for now... it's exhausting in it's own way and your way of appreciating my efforts to make you laugh is to ridicule me and that's fine - but after a while you stop respecting me.

You think your words of reassurance will make me feel better... what sucks I see the through the superficiality - you're just treating me the way a stranger with give a lollipop to a kid.

I'm not a kid. I may act stupid but I'm not. I do get sick and tired of things.
Just because I'm no longer foolishly grinning in front of you doesn't mean I'm mad, sad, or angry. It just means I stopped caring about trying to make you laugh.

I have an issue with being alone; a lot of my antics probably also result because of that fear. Because clowns are always surrounded by spectators - they're never alone.

But it's about time I dealt with that issue.... and... I'm not about to let it become an obstacle in my path. I'm not alone. I have God.

greytruth.

If you loved me, you wouldn't treat me this way.
If you love me, why would you hurt me like this?

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shoved away.

I'm trying really hard.
I'm putting in a lot of effort.
I'm gritting my teeth.
I'm shoving it all away.

four guys one place?!

How the hell does my sister expect me to deal with the awkwardness with four guys from four completely different times of my life all together in one place?! I can't believe she's threatening our sisterhood for this.... I so do not feel like going......... and it's so precarious T_T fml...

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antagonist.

I just have to believe that I am the antagonist of this story.
From there, I'll be able to move forward and let go.
"To be purposely misunderstood", I never really understood that concept. But I realize that when you care enough, and when you just can't control yourself, you push yourself to that point of being misunderstood just so that under that veil of lies, you can breathe again, even only for just a moment.

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