sore feet & winkin' stars.

left foot.
right foot.
both.
the soles.
the toes.
buh ow.

i was looking up at the sky while walking home today. i stared up at it from the bus stop previously a couple times. the amazing thing was.. i could make out more than five stars. i thought i was dreaming, but... i still see them. the LA night sky has shrouded stars for years. But... the other night.... tonight... and from now on hopefully, more nights will be filled with more stars... oh right. speaking of stars - before I forget, just because I need to jot it down somewhere: [Written in the Stars - Eric Turner]

yes. i'm tired.
yes. i'm feeling a little chaotic.
yes. i'm feeling a bit hopeless.

but i will just clench my jaws, my fists, my guts, my heart, my all.... at some point i have to get through everything anyways. nothing comes easy.i don't deserve easy anyways.

at just blank moments like these, it's not a lover, distraction, or best friend i want. because the first would be too busy making me smile to let me just stay glum, the second would end up with me even more exhausted in the end, and the third would constantly be asking one too many questions. wish i had a twin. or, maybe i should go stare in them mirror. or just...a shoulder to rely on, without anything having to be said. just a shoulder.

REALITY rude awakening aims. stop dreaming. what i REALLY need is actually boot camp or something.. to get my head set straight, independent, and goal-oriented. buhh.

lattaddarahhhDDaTTA.

john mayer.
jack johnson.
justin nozuka.

aieee. :) happy. haha :)
and plus; keeping in touch with prince charming keeps me happy. i was missing it the past few days.

empty voids.

i need directions. left? right? straight? proceed? stop? it's the cowardly cry for a rabbit hole i could run away through if anything goes wrong. if i'm not the one making choices, then i can always blame the person that gave me those directions.

i know i won't.

conscience. dratted. there's some really mean people out there. i envy them. i admire them. it's not that easy to be mean you know... yet they manage.

i'm being outrageous - it's sort of stemming from how i wish i could have the guts to be selfish and harsh. oh wait a moment.. i do..... what am i saying..... if i was a little bit more conniving... if i was a bit more manipulative. the whole world may see these traits as bad, but when it comes to getting through life, they could be valuable assets. pride and conscience aside, if i was capable of being like that without guilt trippin', life would be so much more easier.

i'm blabbing total nonsense.

i need to get out of here or take a class in philosophy where i could vent out all my confusing thoughts instead.

he might know. i decided not to care about it.

what's done is done....

as for...... the other headache...

i don't think i'm going to go. if he didn't ask, then i might've stagged it... but... he asked... i mean like, wow, wow, HE asked? cool! but... i really don't feel that it would be smart and i have that usual high suspicion of guys. ANYWAYS. SAVES ME SOME MONEY. i don't want to go.

chen's been begging me to go to the PI so i'll be needing to save up if i go with her anyways...

too many thoughts. goodnight.

blue skin.

the skin on my toes are so pale when I get home after working at the restaurant.

is that what happens when you're on them for eight hours straight?

i haven't really thought too much on it... just did.

wish i could just study.

not work.

i'm exhausted af right now... it's a good question why am i blogging when i'm this tired?

guess i just felt like i haven't written down my thoughts in a while.

i need a change of environment. or at least, people. i'm starting to get tired of this crowd. i want to isolate myself and start from scratch again.

kind of reflects on my personality in general... i go through the radical action of tossing everything away and starting from scratch often... it's how i train myself to become more adept to being noncommital.

i detach myself from my possessions, my surroundings... ready to move on whenever. at first it wasn't a voluntarily adaption... after wandering around without a place to call my own and lugging a couple boxes around here and there without a bed to call my own.... without parents to call my own. it just got me so wary of getting attached.

i subconsciously struggle to cut off all emotional strings to things, places, persons. there's always those few people that i am helplessly drawn to, and i go through at least one trial of trying to be as unattached as i can. it relates to how i always figuratively quote, "i like no strings attached. no contracts, no commitment."

but sometimes when i really think about the whole behavioral pattern - i'm aware... God. I keep running away because I've lost too often.. and each loss hurt so bad. And I'll continue running. But.... I desperately wish that someone will catch me... come after me... and tie me to one place. Because... it's like a homesick craving. I'm too afraid to go back, I'm too afraid to build my own.... and I'm so busy denying it - but I really just need a place, person, environment where I can lay my head down in peace.

oh goodness, I'm trolling. Lord knows what I've been saying - I'm half awake right now anyways.

I still want a change of crowd. environment. somewhere new... i've been through this one, and i haven't found one to hold on to me yet.

one vent excuse from my cause.

So I made a commitment to be a good docile girl till the end of april, but as always, mom bombards in and ruins all my good efforts. Totally need to vent before a go punch a hole in the wall, get a bloody knuckle, and then regret it or do something else equally stupid just because I want to rebel. The fucking bitch needs to make up her mind. I listen to whatever the fuck she says even after she put me through all that hell and these are the fucking kind of games she plays with me. Then she goes blaming every little shit on me - well FUCK HER I've taken enough. I stood under the obligation of how she's my mom, how she gave birth to me so therefore I must understand her for every little crap she makes me deal with, and the obligation to love her. And this is the kind of little shit she pulls out from under me, after she says something to make herself look good and once I take her on her word, she finds a lame excuse to blow the whole cover on me because she doesn't really mean any single shit she says. She needs to stop talking like I can't do without her because, um, hello? For the past three and a half years I'VE TOTALLY DONE IT ALL WITHOUT HER. I don't need her crappy games to mess with my head and calculations to survive just so she can feel better or for her entertainment because she's got nothing better to do. Like, GTFO of my life if you're not going to help or even at least be still and not do anything. If you're trying to sabotage me at every single whim of yours, what makes you think I'm going to continue dealing with it? I've been patient and understanding, but you're doing this way too fucking often. & if you keep saying "oh this is the end" can you live up to it when you say it because I'm kind of sick of dealing with all your ups and downs and rearranging my life to fit you in just to find that you don't want any burden and you go off running again after saying a crapload of shit to make me feel like dirt and guilty and you can feel conscience-free.

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a precious friend.

he leads me to good music. <3 it's the one spot that tickles me silly and makes me outrageously happy: music <3
i need more friends like him. i should be nicer to him. hehe.