shoved away.

I'm trying really hard.
I'm putting in a lot of effort.
I'm gritting my teeth.
I'm shoving it all away.

four guys one place?!

How the hell does my sister expect me to deal with the awkwardness with four guys from four completely different times of my life all together in one place?! I can't believe she's threatening our sisterhood for this.... I so do not feel like going......... and it's so precarious T_T fml...

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antagonist.

I just have to believe that I am the antagonist of this story.
From there, I'll be able to move forward and let go.
"To be purposely misunderstood", I never really understood that concept. But I realize that when you care enough, and when you just can't control yourself, you push yourself to that point of being misunderstood just so that under that veil of lies, you can breathe again, even only for just a moment.

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withdrawal.

Lord, give me strength to overcome.
Lord, help me endure.
The silence that frustrated me yesterday. The silence that brought me peace today. The silence that will help me empty away my burdens tomorrow.
I'm going to welcome it.
Get away from here.
Withdraw - because here, I'm not the strong person I used to be.

gold.

all is quiet.. all is calm.. rivers of gold flow from the setting sun to my fingertips..
my hands deftly dance among the threads of light that shrouds my fingers..
beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but majesty can only be held in the heart..
the azure blue sky.... sometimes powder light...
the gentle wind that brushes its grace along my skin..
how gracious is He who brings all such wonders to my small insignificant life..

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there's me, in you?

I never really gave it much thought, but it sorta hit me spontaneously. I donate blood. I just love seeing it flow out and the warmth of it and the thought that it might help someone else live. But out of the blue right now, it dawned on me that my blood, was out there somewhere, circulating in someone else's blood system. My blood, in a total stranger.

It's a weird feeling; as a part of me is being shared by someone else.

I wonder if I'd ever be able to meet anyone who shares my blood; that would be an incredible feeling.

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you're in my head.

I'm looking up at the ceiling.
My mind was blank
Then slowly you just drifted in.

It's a quiet... still feeling. Nothing stirs. My desires are calm, my heart is calmly thudding away.

But if there's one thing I am focused on, it's you. Subconsciously you.

I wish for the impossible.. the 0.01%.
I'm turning to unrealistic hope.
Five years from now.. will any of this have changed? Hopefully it will have. Or I'm in dire trouble.

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insanity.

i'm absolutely crazy for you. not. LOL. yes actually...
but seriously, you make me dream to make the impossible possible, and for me to want to have hope.. faith.
of course, all in all, it's impossible. but goodness. I love talking to you... I love hearing you... seeing you..... just listening to you. oh fiddle dee fiddle fum :) i don't like you. but i do love you :) as a friend.....

you know though, there's that one thing people say where they quote "friends can never become lovers".. i concurred.
but some people disagreed.. and after you, who knows :) maybe i'll learn to change my opinion!

but all that matters now is, my heart still skips a beat for you, my face gets warm for you, my body tingles for you, and my mind cherishes you. and it may be impossible for us to ever become a couple, but my heart will always have an entire corner reserved for you.