rotten.

What I'm doing is wrong. It's rotten, and complete foul play. My actions and my thoughts have split and heart's just wandering between the two roads without making up it's mind.... because I'm too weak. But, I'm not willing to let go of either.... No.. I don't want to. But in despair.... out of need. Because it hurts too much. To ease the pain... to pull up a facade.. to hide the wound from myself. Deceive myself. Fool myself. Protect myself. Out of helplessness. I'm desperate. But I know I'm in the wrong.... so much. My indecisiveness and weakness is leading to a rotten core. But what am I to do?

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hail.nah.

you won't see me cussing often. but.. right now..


WHAT THE FUCK LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THIS IS DOUCHE JOKE!


on another issue...
I'm so lost.

wild nights.

yesterday's night was...................................

interesting - to say the very least.

i'm so guilty.

prom.

The most hyped graduating class dance/event.
Will I regret not going?
Honestly.... there's no one at school I would go with. The whole graduating class could ask me and I'd turn all of them down. Minus one friend - but he's set on not going so subtract him and I really wouldn't take any other date. It's just the fact that anyone else who asks might ask for - no other reason but that they actually do like me or they might potentially start - and I'm not interested in anyone at school. At all. Zip. Zada nada. And as for the really close permanent guy friends other than that one friend - well I would so go with one, but he has a girlfriend so of course he would go with his girlfriend.. as for the other - well. He is a befuddled mess who can cross that friendship border way too easily. As for anyone else... well - considering how the rest of my close men friend are older, prom's a cheesy idea. Now... if one good buddy was close enough, I would ask him to go as my date just because I know it would be super fun since we get along so well and it's comfortable since he's not too older than me; plus I don't think we'd ever see each other as more than friends. But he's too far and if he ever comes close it'll be too late. Blergh. So yeah - that concludes why I'm not going to prom. Reason enough?

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crying in the rain.

i want the actual full song.... i would buy it now if i didn't lose my wallet damnit... it's beautiful. i love it.

last carnival.

long long ago..

overheat over my toes.

my laptop's always overheating.so it might as well serve a good purpose right? i'm about to take a nap (at 8pm... more like early bed..) and i'm kept up by the issue that i want to listen to the new acoustic cafe album i got. so - at the last minute... i plug in my apple cable and sync my ipod and here i am... moving my music over so i can dock my ipod on my ihome and fall asleep to long long ago by yuriko nakamura and yoshihiko maeda.
i remember when i was young, i used to make up my own stories with all these japanese names because i had been so into japanese things.... i had the sweetest mind... everything was innocent... with a slight desire for passion. i try to avoid reflecting on back then.... i feel so vulgar now. my thoughts were pure and clear when i was younger... although it was drowned in fear and tears... i hadn't been tricky or deceptive.
now.......... i've confronted my wounds and mercilessly stitched them all up - but in the process, i think i threw myself into filth.. in order to strengthen myself... i pitched myself at the bad. and now - i feel so tainted.
i'm less alone than i ever was, but i feel lonelier than i ever did... sometimes.
it's the aftereffect of trying to be strong i guess - you start stinging inside and you start feeling like you'll crumble.
but.. sometimes... really... i hate having to withstand life by myself... sometimes - i pray i could be wrapped in the protection of someone else. warmth.... security.... someone who really does understand and unconditionally is there by my side. for others.... those figures are easily found in mothers... fathers.... i crave the 'family' others have. i think it's been too long since i let it all out. i can feel the sorrow and pain welling up inside me - about to burst any second.... i've been trying not to think about it... but.. my heart's been aching. and it hurts - not even figuratively.. really...
i watch my friend who is the fragile child embraced and protected by many. she shows her fragility and therefore she is protected. i don't know why i insist on bulldozing out on my own.... fear that if i start relying on others i'll lose myself once everyone's gone? sometimes i just want to scream out 'i'm vulnerable too!' but.. that would be childish and immature. and plus - my image of toughness is already strongly rooted.

oh god. look at me - what have i been writing. this post was never meant to be like this T_T
i was just going to talk about acoustic cafe >__>;;
the moods some music puts me into.
and this blog is public.
GREAT.
hi y'all if anyone sees this -_______-
i'll write a whole bunch of entries after this so it gets covered up or something. that's an idea.

fugh ugh.

yeah that did me in. i'm done.....
i just needed a slight push.... i guess..... sighh....
knew it was coming. i just wanted to dream. FML.

why him, not you?

I need a distractionnnnn

LOL. the minute I said that I needed a distraction, chen just drew out a timeline of my love life. HAHAHAHAHAHA. how epic.
she knows about me too much. & too well. I love my sister.

But really.... I hate how I'm so hung over :/

aish.

뭐하느라 연락도 없어. 아이씨. 나쁜ㄴㅗㅁ.
정말 궁금하다.
많이 바쁜가..
근데 바로 이게 문제야 - 안좋아하기로 결심을했지만... 아직도 좋아한다는게..
기대를 않하니 마음은 들 아프지만...
여전히 궁금해...
뭐 바랠수있는 상황도 아닌데...
설마.. 벌써 다른 여자?
뭐 그게 나랑 상관있는건 아니잖아...
아니지.. 내가 좋아하는 사람이닌깐 상관있지..
근데 내가 뭐라고한다고 변하는게 있는것도 아니고...
모르겠다.. >_>;

why so beautiful?

No, not a specific person... not a specific thing. Just my environment in general. The blue blue blue sky above me, the green green green shrubs and trees that surround me, the bright bright bright light that warms up the world with a tint of satisfiable yellowness, and the spontaneous blots of other colors that adds flair to everything I look at.. like those red blossoms that adorn the crown of those shrubs. The delicate white petals that are impaled upon that prickly bush. The flowers that are blooming in the shade, the color of a timid bride's rosy blush.

Who knew.. or did you know? That the world was so beautiful?

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someday, one day

Undoubtedly, I'll always be wondering the what if when it comes to you. And undoubtedly, considering I was so illogically and uncontrollably crazy about you, I always have a special corner of my heart tucked away for you. You were someone I never really got a chance to like properly after all. But... true. This will 99.9% not get anywhere. Not now anyways. But I'll never forget you, and unlike other chinkies, I'm Korean, so I won't be blowing off a friendship with you. Because I'm cool like that 8] & I'm not mad, I'm not sad, perhap a bit disappointed, but through all the ups and downs and conflicting emotions I went through pondering about you, I never regretted a moment of it. It was fun, and it'll get even more fun as a friendship buds. At moments at a time, I unbelievingly thought... is this what fate is? Because I couldn't explain to myself why I liked you with such outrageous obstacle in the way. But, I never believed in fate, it's just about going with the flow and making your own independent choices. I'll stick with that non belief. Who knows, if my feelings for you bubble up after randomly bumping into you at a bustling intersection ten years from now and you actually seem open to me, THEN maybe I'll believe in fate. :) Liked you, still like you, & will continuously like you. But, I'll take a different attitude and pry my feelings off of you enough so that I can get over you. A month ago, a forced effort would have been ineffective, but... now. And maybe a month more.. and I'll be all good :)

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dying trees.

It's beautiful when you see the clear green leaves dancing in the wind beautifully with the sunlight gleaming through the cracks with a sparkle and shine. You walk a couple steps down though and you see the creaking brown branch of a dying tree. Unlike those frisky living pretty leaves, this tree just ails and is slowly drying away to it's death. Death is but a dry spell away... but amidst all this... there's a significant sorrowful beauty in the tan brown dry listlessness of those leaves on that dying branch. It's a beauty that's marked by the 'had been' green charm that that branch would have had. It's a beauty of a death as nature tolls on. It's a beauty of..... all things appreciated dead, alive, dying, or being born.

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I'm stupefied.

He's got magic powers. He put a spell on me or SOMETHING. he's inceptioned me I bet you! For Christ's sake... crying out loud.....

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dundun.

i believe it could work. nothing matters except mutuality. if that existed, it could work. mm.

UMPH.

can you just.............................................................................................................
just what. -_________-.
sometimes, you can be so difficult.
exasperation.
but then again - it's my insecurity making me act up like how other girls do by going in circles and throwing fits >___>;;; If I really think about it.............
it's all just me... figments of my imagination and my actions that result in... BOOSH.
MMPH.
& there's this one thing that keeps bothering me... maybe you just don't get it -__________-
I'm not interested in anything else. My heart's 100% capacity FULL! Despite all the impossibilities, there's only one thing my heart desires. Outrageous, unrealistic, WHATEVER. I wish I could see it attempted at at least.... But it's only all in my own head.. so.....OMG STILL.
Whatever. I'm happy. I theenk. PSH.

goodnight. :)

I'm learning to be satisfied with less, patient with scarcity, and just grateful for what I have. Tonight was a wonderful night.

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greenlight!

Run. Speed. Crash. Burn? Nah. Scratch that. We're still going to speed up and get going. Life is good, life is fine, and it's those spontaneous pumps of energy and adrenaline that keeps you going. Got lots to do, not enough time; but everything will pull through. It can all be managed. Miracles do happen. Even to the most unluckiest creepers.
Ouch. I've been carrying too many bowls of pho. My thumbs majorrr hurting.
Getting into the tendency of blogging while I'm on the bus. ....lol. the application helps make blogging easier.. and it gives me something to do while heading home...
Wish something better could be done with the time though.


Ohhh I know. I'll sleep. LOL!

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spilling out the rotten beans.

I had some twisted thoughts, and I've done some dreadful dishonest things - which led me to be wary of myself. I attempted to get foxy and cover up my tracks, until I realized... goodness Aimee. You're doing exactly the things you despise when you see other people do them, the most. So... back to square one. Start all over from scratch, and even if it takes some extra work, I think I'm going to try and stay as clean as I can.
My emotions. Period. Unconditionally. Until everything fades away.

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the hollow thud.

something's missing in my heart. there's a void left by something that was there before. I'm pretty certain there was something there before. Is it my mom? Is it my dad? Is it God? Is it not a someone but an actual something... or a somewhere? but I feel somewhat fine with this void being here. maybe it's not so difficult to acclimate to these voids in your heart. or is it just a pretentious acceptable condition that'll come back to haunt me for the rest of my life - suddenly and with no warning? I'm pretty sure that if I knocked on my heart right now, I'd be able to hear the hollow thud - the vibrations of my knock penetrating through my cardiovascular muscles and echoing through the hollowness of my heart. No..... metaphoricals aside... is there a hole in my heart that I'm dangerously not noticing right now?

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before I knock out...

It's weird. I keep going through these... moments of contradictory emotions. I was so frustrated with myself earlier, but right now... sure - still in my head. But in a different way... right now, I feel good and refreshed. Although I haven't been really studying for a while so it took a couple kinks and konks and complaints to get my brain functioning, but I'm starting to remember stuff. By the end of it, habitually, my mind turned back to onetwo..oh-oh.+... but - not in a griefstricken oh my heart is aching for yonder kind of way, but a comfortable.. familiar.... hmm oh right good night kind of way...
Maybe, if I stop being stubborn, I'll get over it really quick. O.o mm.. would be a great friend :) I think I'll see where this goes. Oh but one thing's for certain.... there's one way I'll be different from many others - once I'm over it... I'll be an awesome buddy... let's just hope the other scenario doesn't occur.. you know? When the other party starts liking you a minute too late when you're done with that kind of emotion play? :/ I don't understand why that reoccurs to me so often! Gr..

One thing this shows... >_> I definitely write differently when I'm in a good mood and not confused or worried or dark =__=

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[blank]

Am I a fool?

Who sits alone... talking to the moon.

Doubts. Concerns. Fear. Dread. Frustration. Crinkled foreheads.

I get it. How everything's connected and how everything might cause a chain reaction through me - enough of a reason to hesitate before stepping forward. & plus... it might be my insecurites speaking out on this one, but.... who am I to matter? Everything's just tumbling out on my end. I keep a front up of gratitude and oh-I-know-it's-just-me.... But inside, my wishful thinkings overtake me and I start thinking... that I might be saying all that.. but in actuality I'm wrong and that I was just putting up a self-denial front and that something real was happening.

What hurts the most though.... are moments like now - when I realize the whole thing's just a foolishness running through my head - a one-man play. It really isn't self-denial, it's actually just that.. I'm alone right now in this whole game. [It makes me chronically depressed >_> lol jk].

Hey you. God. I wish you were as crazy about me as I am about you.

Hey you. God. I wish I can just be satisfied with just having  you exist in my life & not get disappointed.

Hey you. God. Why couldn't you be here... not there? Why couldn't I have skipped a beat for someone possible?

Hey you. Yeah, I really do need to study. Yeah, I really can't keep you out of my head. Yeah, it freaks me out to think how it might freak you out whenever I verbalize my thoughts. It freaks me out to think how I might become a psychopathic acquaintance to you. Because that's exactly how I would think if a bland person I don't even like approached me and pulled all that... talk about creepy? Honestly, I swear, what the heck am I doing? Yeah... so hey... I'm holding back really hard because... I realized, it's not real. It's not reflective. &... the more I cling on, the less I'll even be able to keep you as a friend.

Confession wise... I can't think lightly on it after what happened with me.

I'm greedy for maturity... I hate the lying.

What am I putting myself through?

If I excuse myself away from you... will you start fading away after a while? You're too adamant...

When I saw two, I should've toppled two. At least sweetness exists there... at least... at least what? Maybe it's better this way.. I'm growing up & you're helping me.