overheat over my toes.

my laptop's always overheating.so it might as well serve a good purpose right? i'm about to take a nap (at 8pm... more like early bed..) and i'm kept up by the issue that i want to listen to the new acoustic cafe album i got. so - at the last minute... i plug in my apple cable and sync my ipod and here i am... moving my music over so i can dock my ipod on my ihome and fall asleep to long long ago by yuriko nakamura and yoshihiko maeda.
i remember when i was young, i used to make up my own stories with all these japanese names because i had been so into japanese things.... i had the sweetest mind... everything was innocent... with a slight desire for passion. i try to avoid reflecting on back then.... i feel so vulgar now. my thoughts were pure and clear when i was younger... although it was drowned in fear and tears... i hadn't been tricky or deceptive.
now.......... i've confronted my wounds and mercilessly stitched them all up - but in the process, i think i threw myself into filth.. in order to strengthen myself... i pitched myself at the bad. and now - i feel so tainted.
i'm less alone than i ever was, but i feel lonelier than i ever did... sometimes.
it's the aftereffect of trying to be strong i guess - you start stinging inside and you start feeling like you'll crumble.
but.. sometimes... really... i hate having to withstand life by myself... sometimes - i pray i could be wrapped in the protection of someone else. warmth.... security.... someone who really does understand and unconditionally is there by my side. for others.... those figures are easily found in mothers... fathers.... i crave the 'family' others have. i think it's been too long since i let it all out. i can feel the sorrow and pain welling up inside me - about to burst any second.... i've been trying not to think about it... but.. my heart's been aching. and it hurts - not even figuratively.. really...
i watch my friend who is the fragile child embraced and protected by many. she shows her fragility and therefore she is protected. i don't know why i insist on bulldozing out on my own.... fear that if i start relying on others i'll lose myself once everyone's gone? sometimes i just want to scream out 'i'm vulnerable too!' but.. that would be childish and immature. and plus - my image of toughness is already strongly rooted.

oh god. look at me - what have i been writing. this post was never meant to be like this T_T
i was just going to talk about acoustic cafe >__>;;
the moods some music puts me into.
and this blog is public.
GREAT.
hi y'all if anyone sees this -_______-
i'll write a whole bunch of entries after this so it gets covered up or something. that's an idea.