fuck you, fuck this, screw all this crap.

not really.

sometimes it's really hard to get through this.

I just realize it would be stupid to whine on other people.

Here I am - going insane.

sometimes some things never go the way I want them to, which is really nothing new - it's life.

but for one time crying out loud, can life be smooth? please?

If I cry desperately, will anyone hear me and reach out?

That's the thing... for now... I'm still alone.

God, get me through this.

heart caught in my throat?

but it's going back down. It's a stepping stone I have to deal with at some time :) because I'M NOT LIKE ALL THOSE OTHER GIRLS! hahahaha :) feel good feel good.

make a move.

sometimes, you just have to move on. time to move and move and go on.
past everything that happened, past everything that once began, past everything that ended.

I'm moving on.

just like this;

Nothing more needs to be said,
Nothing more needs to be done.

Everything eventually changes,
Everything eventually becomes okay.

holding up.

I can do this.
I can do this.
It just takes a lot of time and effort.
I will be over this.
That's life.
It's not like I'll be stuck on this my whole life.
That's crazy. stupid.

dreams.

the days that those unreal things can ruin with vivid imaginations of what ifs... what could have beens.... the thoughts that hold no substance to reality but leaves you lurking in a deep pithole among the many in your memories and thoughts.

silence.

Cover your ears. Your mouth. Your eyes. Your face. Shut yourself off from the world and open yourself to the sound of silence. Reach out slowly with your fingertips. Stretch out your toes. Arch your back. Experience movement. Loosen your form, your shape, your body. Commit yourself to the silence, and then fall asleep. That's my favorite way.

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in... out...

Breathe.
Let the oxygen run through my system and refresh everything.
Sometimes you just have to wipe clean and start fresh.

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I had a dream.

You were in it. You talked to me. I was so happy. I was so glad to hear your voice again. I'm struggling. But you aren't reaching out to me... and I'm determined to stick to my own till August... I'm so frustrated... I really have to stop thinking about you.

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iknowyouknow.WEknow..

The reason why this, between us, works, is not because of you, not because of me, but because fate just won't let us stay apart.

I know what's going through your head because I know you so well enough that your thoughts are all very obvious.

I'm not trying to break us apart.
I'm just being blunt.

I don't want to lose you.
I just need a break from you.

Because I don't like being dependent on you.
Because if I am then you'll take me for a fool.

-----------------------------------------------

It seems like everyone's gotten used to me joking and laughing so much that when I'm serious and silent, they all think that I'm in a bad mood or that something happened. Well, heads up - I'm done with the clown act for now... it's exhausting in it's own way and your way of appreciating my efforts to make you laugh is to ridicule me and that's fine - but after a while you stop respecting me.

You think your words of reassurance will make me feel better... what sucks I see the through the superficiality - you're just treating me the way a stranger with give a lollipop to a kid.

I'm not a kid. I may act stupid but I'm not. I do get sick and tired of things.
Just because I'm no longer foolishly grinning in front of you doesn't mean I'm mad, sad, or angry. It just means I stopped caring about trying to make you laugh.

I have an issue with being alone; a lot of my antics probably also result because of that fear. Because clowns are always surrounded by spectators - they're never alone.

But it's about time I dealt with that issue.... and... I'm not about to let it become an obstacle in my path. I'm not alone. I have God.

greytruth.

If you loved me, you wouldn't treat me this way.
If you love me, why would you hurt me like this?

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shoved away.

I'm trying really hard.
I'm putting in a lot of effort.
I'm gritting my teeth.
I'm shoving it all away.

four guys one place?!

How the hell does my sister expect me to deal with the awkwardness with four guys from four completely different times of my life all together in one place?! I can't believe she's threatening our sisterhood for this.... I so do not feel like going......... and it's so precarious T_T fml...

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antagonist.

I just have to believe that I am the antagonist of this story.
From there, I'll be able to move forward and let go.
"To be purposely misunderstood", I never really understood that concept. But I realize that when you care enough, and when you just can't control yourself, you push yourself to that point of being misunderstood just so that under that veil of lies, you can breathe again, even only for just a moment.

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withdrawal.

Lord, give me strength to overcome.
Lord, help me endure.
The silence that frustrated me yesterday. The silence that brought me peace today. The silence that will help me empty away my burdens tomorrow.
I'm going to welcome it.
Get away from here.
Withdraw - because here, I'm not the strong person I used to be.

gold.

all is quiet.. all is calm.. rivers of gold flow from the setting sun to my fingertips..
my hands deftly dance among the threads of light that shrouds my fingers..
beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but majesty can only be held in the heart..
the azure blue sky.... sometimes powder light...
the gentle wind that brushes its grace along my skin..
how gracious is He who brings all such wonders to my small insignificant life..

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there's me, in you?

I never really gave it much thought, but it sorta hit me spontaneously. I donate blood. I just love seeing it flow out and the warmth of it and the thought that it might help someone else live. But out of the blue right now, it dawned on me that my blood, was out there somewhere, circulating in someone else's blood system. My blood, in a total stranger.

It's a weird feeling; as a part of me is being shared by someone else.

I wonder if I'd ever be able to meet anyone who shares my blood; that would be an incredible feeling.

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you're in my head.

I'm looking up at the ceiling.
My mind was blank
Then slowly you just drifted in.

It's a quiet... still feeling. Nothing stirs. My desires are calm, my heart is calmly thudding away.

But if there's one thing I am focused on, it's you. Subconsciously you.

I wish for the impossible.. the 0.01%.
I'm turning to unrealistic hope.
Five years from now.. will any of this have changed? Hopefully it will have. Or I'm in dire trouble.

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insanity.

i'm absolutely crazy for you. not. LOL. yes actually...
but seriously, you make me dream to make the impossible possible, and for me to want to have hope.. faith.
of course, all in all, it's impossible. but goodness. I love talking to you... I love hearing you... seeing you..... just listening to you. oh fiddle dee fiddle fum :) i don't like you. but i do love you :) as a friend.....

you know though, there's that one thing people say where they quote "friends can never become lovers".. i concurred.
but some people disagreed.. and after you, who knows :) maybe i'll learn to change my opinion!

but all that matters now is, my heart still skips a beat for you, my face gets warm for you, my body tingles for you, and my mind cherishes you. and it may be impossible for us to ever become a couple, but my heart will always have an entire corner reserved for you.

sore feet & winkin' stars.

left foot.
right foot.
both.
the soles.
the toes.
buh ow.

i was looking up at the sky while walking home today. i stared up at it from the bus stop previously a couple times. the amazing thing was.. i could make out more than five stars. i thought i was dreaming, but... i still see them. the LA night sky has shrouded stars for years. But... the other night.... tonight... and from now on hopefully, more nights will be filled with more stars... oh right. speaking of stars - before I forget, just because I need to jot it down somewhere: [Written in the Stars - Eric Turner]

yes. i'm tired.
yes. i'm feeling a little chaotic.
yes. i'm feeling a bit hopeless.

but i will just clench my jaws, my fists, my guts, my heart, my all.... at some point i have to get through everything anyways. nothing comes easy.i don't deserve easy anyways.

at just blank moments like these, it's not a lover, distraction, or best friend i want. because the first would be too busy making me smile to let me just stay glum, the second would end up with me even more exhausted in the end, and the third would constantly be asking one too many questions. wish i had a twin. or, maybe i should go stare in them mirror. or just...a shoulder to rely on, without anything having to be said. just a shoulder.

REALITY rude awakening aims. stop dreaming. what i REALLY need is actually boot camp or something.. to get my head set straight, independent, and goal-oriented. buhh.

lattaddarahhhDDaTTA.

john mayer.
jack johnson.
justin nozuka.

aieee. :) happy. haha :)
and plus; keeping in touch with prince charming keeps me happy. i was missing it the past few days.

empty voids.

i need directions. left? right? straight? proceed? stop? it's the cowardly cry for a rabbit hole i could run away through if anything goes wrong. if i'm not the one making choices, then i can always blame the person that gave me those directions.

i know i won't.

conscience. dratted. there's some really mean people out there. i envy them. i admire them. it's not that easy to be mean you know... yet they manage.

i'm being outrageous - it's sort of stemming from how i wish i could have the guts to be selfish and harsh. oh wait a moment.. i do..... what am i saying..... if i was a little bit more conniving... if i was a bit more manipulative. the whole world may see these traits as bad, but when it comes to getting through life, they could be valuable assets. pride and conscience aside, if i was capable of being like that without guilt trippin', life would be so much more easier.

i'm blabbing total nonsense.

i need to get out of here or take a class in philosophy where i could vent out all my confusing thoughts instead.

he might know. i decided not to care about it.

what's done is done....

as for...... the other headache...

i don't think i'm going to go. if he didn't ask, then i might've stagged it... but... he asked... i mean like, wow, wow, HE asked? cool! but... i really don't feel that it would be smart and i have that usual high suspicion of guys. ANYWAYS. SAVES ME SOME MONEY. i don't want to go.

chen's been begging me to go to the PI so i'll be needing to save up if i go with her anyways...

too many thoughts. goodnight.

blue skin.

the skin on my toes are so pale when I get home after working at the restaurant.

is that what happens when you're on them for eight hours straight?

i haven't really thought too much on it... just did.

wish i could just study.

not work.

i'm exhausted af right now... it's a good question why am i blogging when i'm this tired?

guess i just felt like i haven't written down my thoughts in a while.

i need a change of environment. or at least, people. i'm starting to get tired of this crowd. i want to isolate myself and start from scratch again.

kind of reflects on my personality in general... i go through the radical action of tossing everything away and starting from scratch often... it's how i train myself to become more adept to being noncommital.

i detach myself from my possessions, my surroundings... ready to move on whenever. at first it wasn't a voluntarily adaption... after wandering around without a place to call my own and lugging a couple boxes around here and there without a bed to call my own.... without parents to call my own. it just got me so wary of getting attached.

i subconsciously struggle to cut off all emotional strings to things, places, persons. there's always those few people that i am helplessly drawn to, and i go through at least one trial of trying to be as unattached as i can. it relates to how i always figuratively quote, "i like no strings attached. no contracts, no commitment."

but sometimes when i really think about the whole behavioral pattern - i'm aware... God. I keep running away because I've lost too often.. and each loss hurt so bad. And I'll continue running. But.... I desperately wish that someone will catch me... come after me... and tie me to one place. Because... it's like a homesick craving. I'm too afraid to go back, I'm too afraid to build my own.... and I'm so busy denying it - but I really just need a place, person, environment where I can lay my head down in peace.

oh goodness, I'm trolling. Lord knows what I've been saying - I'm half awake right now anyways.

I still want a change of crowd. environment. somewhere new... i've been through this one, and i haven't found one to hold on to me yet.

one vent excuse from my cause.

So I made a commitment to be a good docile girl till the end of april, but as always, mom bombards in and ruins all my good efforts. Totally need to vent before a go punch a hole in the wall, get a bloody knuckle, and then regret it or do something else equally stupid just because I want to rebel. The fucking bitch needs to make up her mind. I listen to whatever the fuck she says even after she put me through all that hell and these are the fucking kind of games she plays with me. Then she goes blaming every little shit on me - well FUCK HER I've taken enough. I stood under the obligation of how she's my mom, how she gave birth to me so therefore I must understand her for every little crap she makes me deal with, and the obligation to love her. And this is the kind of little shit she pulls out from under me, after she says something to make herself look good and once I take her on her word, she finds a lame excuse to blow the whole cover on me because she doesn't really mean any single shit she says. She needs to stop talking like I can't do without her because, um, hello? For the past three and a half years I'VE TOTALLY DONE IT ALL WITHOUT HER. I don't need her crappy games to mess with my head and calculations to survive just so she can feel better or for her entertainment because she's got nothing better to do. Like, GTFO of my life if you're not going to help or even at least be still and not do anything. If you're trying to sabotage me at every single whim of yours, what makes you think I'm going to continue dealing with it? I've been patient and understanding, but you're doing this way too fucking often. & if you keep saying "oh this is the end" can you live up to it when you say it because I'm kind of sick of dealing with all your ups and downs and rearranging my life to fit you in just to find that you don't want any burden and you go off running again after saying a crapload of shit to make me feel like dirt and guilty and you can feel conscience-free.

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a precious friend.

he leads me to good music. <3 it's the one spot that tickles me silly and makes me outrageously happy: music <3
i need more friends like him. i should be nicer to him. hehe.

rotten.

What I'm doing is wrong. It's rotten, and complete foul play. My actions and my thoughts have split and heart's just wandering between the two roads without making up it's mind.... because I'm too weak. But, I'm not willing to let go of either.... No.. I don't want to. But in despair.... out of need. Because it hurts too much. To ease the pain... to pull up a facade.. to hide the wound from myself. Deceive myself. Fool myself. Protect myself. Out of helplessness. I'm desperate. But I know I'm in the wrong.... so much. My indecisiveness and weakness is leading to a rotten core. But what am I to do?

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hail.nah.

you won't see me cussing often. but.. right now..


WHAT THE FUCK LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THIS IS DOUCHE JOKE!


on another issue...
I'm so lost.

wild nights.

yesterday's night was...................................

interesting - to say the very least.

i'm so guilty.

prom.

The most hyped graduating class dance/event.
Will I regret not going?
Honestly.... there's no one at school I would go with. The whole graduating class could ask me and I'd turn all of them down. Minus one friend - but he's set on not going so subtract him and I really wouldn't take any other date. It's just the fact that anyone else who asks might ask for - no other reason but that they actually do like me or they might potentially start - and I'm not interested in anyone at school. At all. Zip. Zada nada. And as for the really close permanent guy friends other than that one friend - well I would so go with one, but he has a girlfriend so of course he would go with his girlfriend.. as for the other - well. He is a befuddled mess who can cross that friendship border way too easily. As for anyone else... well - considering how the rest of my close men friend are older, prom's a cheesy idea. Now... if one good buddy was close enough, I would ask him to go as my date just because I know it would be super fun since we get along so well and it's comfortable since he's not too older than me; plus I don't think we'd ever see each other as more than friends. But he's too far and if he ever comes close it'll be too late. Blergh. So yeah - that concludes why I'm not going to prom. Reason enough?

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crying in the rain.

i want the actual full song.... i would buy it now if i didn't lose my wallet damnit... it's beautiful. i love it.

last carnival.

long long ago..

overheat over my toes.

my laptop's always overheating.so it might as well serve a good purpose right? i'm about to take a nap (at 8pm... more like early bed..) and i'm kept up by the issue that i want to listen to the new acoustic cafe album i got. so - at the last minute... i plug in my apple cable and sync my ipod and here i am... moving my music over so i can dock my ipod on my ihome and fall asleep to long long ago by yuriko nakamura and yoshihiko maeda.
i remember when i was young, i used to make up my own stories with all these japanese names because i had been so into japanese things.... i had the sweetest mind... everything was innocent... with a slight desire for passion. i try to avoid reflecting on back then.... i feel so vulgar now. my thoughts were pure and clear when i was younger... although it was drowned in fear and tears... i hadn't been tricky or deceptive.
now.......... i've confronted my wounds and mercilessly stitched them all up - but in the process, i think i threw myself into filth.. in order to strengthen myself... i pitched myself at the bad. and now - i feel so tainted.
i'm less alone than i ever was, but i feel lonelier than i ever did... sometimes.
it's the aftereffect of trying to be strong i guess - you start stinging inside and you start feeling like you'll crumble.
but.. sometimes... really... i hate having to withstand life by myself... sometimes - i pray i could be wrapped in the protection of someone else. warmth.... security.... someone who really does understand and unconditionally is there by my side. for others.... those figures are easily found in mothers... fathers.... i crave the 'family' others have. i think it's been too long since i let it all out. i can feel the sorrow and pain welling up inside me - about to burst any second.... i've been trying not to think about it... but.. my heart's been aching. and it hurts - not even figuratively.. really...
i watch my friend who is the fragile child embraced and protected by many. she shows her fragility and therefore she is protected. i don't know why i insist on bulldozing out on my own.... fear that if i start relying on others i'll lose myself once everyone's gone? sometimes i just want to scream out 'i'm vulnerable too!' but.. that would be childish and immature. and plus - my image of toughness is already strongly rooted.

oh god. look at me - what have i been writing. this post was never meant to be like this T_T
i was just going to talk about acoustic cafe >__>;;
the moods some music puts me into.
and this blog is public.
GREAT.
hi y'all if anyone sees this -_______-
i'll write a whole bunch of entries after this so it gets covered up or something. that's an idea.

fugh ugh.

yeah that did me in. i'm done.....
i just needed a slight push.... i guess..... sighh....
knew it was coming. i just wanted to dream. FML.

why him, not you?

I need a distractionnnnn

LOL. the minute I said that I needed a distraction, chen just drew out a timeline of my love life. HAHAHAHAHAHA. how epic.
she knows about me too much. & too well. I love my sister.

But really.... I hate how I'm so hung over :/

aish.

뭐하느라 연락도 없어. 아이씨. 나쁜ㄴㅗㅁ.
정말 궁금하다.
많이 바쁜가..
근데 바로 이게 문제야 - 안좋아하기로 결심을했지만... 아직도 좋아한다는게..
기대를 않하니 마음은 들 아프지만...
여전히 궁금해...
뭐 바랠수있는 상황도 아닌데...
설마.. 벌써 다른 여자?
뭐 그게 나랑 상관있는건 아니잖아...
아니지.. 내가 좋아하는 사람이닌깐 상관있지..
근데 내가 뭐라고한다고 변하는게 있는것도 아니고...
모르겠다.. >_>;

why so beautiful?

No, not a specific person... not a specific thing. Just my environment in general. The blue blue blue sky above me, the green green green shrubs and trees that surround me, the bright bright bright light that warms up the world with a tint of satisfiable yellowness, and the spontaneous blots of other colors that adds flair to everything I look at.. like those red blossoms that adorn the crown of those shrubs. The delicate white petals that are impaled upon that prickly bush. The flowers that are blooming in the shade, the color of a timid bride's rosy blush.

Who knew.. or did you know? That the world was so beautiful?

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someday, one day

Undoubtedly, I'll always be wondering the what if when it comes to you. And undoubtedly, considering I was so illogically and uncontrollably crazy about you, I always have a special corner of my heart tucked away for you. You were someone I never really got a chance to like properly after all. But... true. This will 99.9% not get anywhere. Not now anyways. But I'll never forget you, and unlike other chinkies, I'm Korean, so I won't be blowing off a friendship with you. Because I'm cool like that 8] & I'm not mad, I'm not sad, perhap a bit disappointed, but through all the ups and downs and conflicting emotions I went through pondering about you, I never regretted a moment of it. It was fun, and it'll get even more fun as a friendship buds. At moments at a time, I unbelievingly thought... is this what fate is? Because I couldn't explain to myself why I liked you with such outrageous obstacle in the way. But, I never believed in fate, it's just about going with the flow and making your own independent choices. I'll stick with that non belief. Who knows, if my feelings for you bubble up after randomly bumping into you at a bustling intersection ten years from now and you actually seem open to me, THEN maybe I'll believe in fate. :) Liked you, still like you, & will continuously like you. But, I'll take a different attitude and pry my feelings off of you enough so that I can get over you. A month ago, a forced effort would have been ineffective, but... now. And maybe a month more.. and I'll be all good :)

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dying trees.

It's beautiful when you see the clear green leaves dancing in the wind beautifully with the sunlight gleaming through the cracks with a sparkle and shine. You walk a couple steps down though and you see the creaking brown branch of a dying tree. Unlike those frisky living pretty leaves, this tree just ails and is slowly drying away to it's death. Death is but a dry spell away... but amidst all this... there's a significant sorrowful beauty in the tan brown dry listlessness of those leaves on that dying branch. It's a beauty that's marked by the 'had been' green charm that that branch would have had. It's a beauty of a death as nature tolls on. It's a beauty of..... all things appreciated dead, alive, dying, or being born.

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I'm stupefied.

He's got magic powers. He put a spell on me or SOMETHING. he's inceptioned me I bet you! For Christ's sake... crying out loud.....

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dundun.

i believe it could work. nothing matters except mutuality. if that existed, it could work. mm.

UMPH.

can you just.............................................................................................................
just what. -_________-.
sometimes, you can be so difficult.
exasperation.
but then again - it's my insecurity making me act up like how other girls do by going in circles and throwing fits >___>;;; If I really think about it.............
it's all just me... figments of my imagination and my actions that result in... BOOSH.
MMPH.
& there's this one thing that keeps bothering me... maybe you just don't get it -__________-
I'm not interested in anything else. My heart's 100% capacity FULL! Despite all the impossibilities, there's only one thing my heart desires. Outrageous, unrealistic, WHATEVER. I wish I could see it attempted at at least.... But it's only all in my own head.. so.....OMG STILL.
Whatever. I'm happy. I theenk. PSH.

goodnight. :)

I'm learning to be satisfied with less, patient with scarcity, and just grateful for what I have. Tonight was a wonderful night.

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greenlight!

Run. Speed. Crash. Burn? Nah. Scratch that. We're still going to speed up and get going. Life is good, life is fine, and it's those spontaneous pumps of energy and adrenaline that keeps you going. Got lots to do, not enough time; but everything will pull through. It can all be managed. Miracles do happen. Even to the most unluckiest creepers.
Ouch. I've been carrying too many bowls of pho. My thumbs majorrr hurting.
Getting into the tendency of blogging while I'm on the bus. ....lol. the application helps make blogging easier.. and it gives me something to do while heading home...
Wish something better could be done with the time though.


Ohhh I know. I'll sleep. LOL!

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spilling out the rotten beans.

I had some twisted thoughts, and I've done some dreadful dishonest things - which led me to be wary of myself. I attempted to get foxy and cover up my tracks, until I realized... goodness Aimee. You're doing exactly the things you despise when you see other people do them, the most. So... back to square one. Start all over from scratch, and even if it takes some extra work, I think I'm going to try and stay as clean as I can.
My emotions. Period. Unconditionally. Until everything fades away.

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the hollow thud.

something's missing in my heart. there's a void left by something that was there before. I'm pretty certain there was something there before. Is it my mom? Is it my dad? Is it God? Is it not a someone but an actual something... or a somewhere? but I feel somewhat fine with this void being here. maybe it's not so difficult to acclimate to these voids in your heart. or is it just a pretentious acceptable condition that'll come back to haunt me for the rest of my life - suddenly and with no warning? I'm pretty sure that if I knocked on my heart right now, I'd be able to hear the hollow thud - the vibrations of my knock penetrating through my cardiovascular muscles and echoing through the hollowness of my heart. No..... metaphoricals aside... is there a hole in my heart that I'm dangerously not noticing right now?

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before I knock out...

It's weird. I keep going through these... moments of contradictory emotions. I was so frustrated with myself earlier, but right now... sure - still in my head. But in a different way... right now, I feel good and refreshed. Although I haven't been really studying for a while so it took a couple kinks and konks and complaints to get my brain functioning, but I'm starting to remember stuff. By the end of it, habitually, my mind turned back to onetwo..oh-oh.+... but - not in a griefstricken oh my heart is aching for yonder kind of way, but a comfortable.. familiar.... hmm oh right good night kind of way...
Maybe, if I stop being stubborn, I'll get over it really quick. O.o mm.. would be a great friend :) I think I'll see where this goes. Oh but one thing's for certain.... there's one way I'll be different from many others - once I'm over it... I'll be an awesome buddy... let's just hope the other scenario doesn't occur.. you know? When the other party starts liking you a minute too late when you're done with that kind of emotion play? :/ I don't understand why that reoccurs to me so often! Gr..

One thing this shows... >_> I definitely write differently when I'm in a good mood and not confused or worried or dark =__=

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[blank]

Am I a fool?

Who sits alone... talking to the moon.

Doubts. Concerns. Fear. Dread. Frustration. Crinkled foreheads.

I get it. How everything's connected and how everything might cause a chain reaction through me - enough of a reason to hesitate before stepping forward. & plus... it might be my insecurites speaking out on this one, but.... who am I to matter? Everything's just tumbling out on my end. I keep a front up of gratitude and oh-I-know-it's-just-me.... But inside, my wishful thinkings overtake me and I start thinking... that I might be saying all that.. but in actuality I'm wrong and that I was just putting up a self-denial front and that something real was happening.

What hurts the most though.... are moments like now - when I realize the whole thing's just a foolishness running through my head - a one-man play. It really isn't self-denial, it's actually just that.. I'm alone right now in this whole game. [It makes me chronically depressed >_> lol jk].

Hey you. God. I wish you were as crazy about me as I am about you.

Hey you. God. I wish I can just be satisfied with just having  you exist in my life & not get disappointed.

Hey you. God. Why couldn't you be here... not there? Why couldn't I have skipped a beat for someone possible?

Hey you. Yeah, I really do need to study. Yeah, I really can't keep you out of my head. Yeah, it freaks me out to think how it might freak you out whenever I verbalize my thoughts. It freaks me out to think how I might become a psychopathic acquaintance to you. Because that's exactly how I would think if a bland person I don't even like approached me and pulled all that... talk about creepy? Honestly, I swear, what the heck am I doing? Yeah... so hey... I'm holding back really hard because... I realized, it's not real. It's not reflective. &... the more I cling on, the less I'll even be able to keep you as a friend.

Confession wise... I can't think lightly on it after what happened with me.

I'm greedy for maturity... I hate the lying.

What am I putting myself through?

If I excuse myself away from you... will you start fading away after a while? You're too adamant...

When I saw two, I should've toppled two. At least sweetness exists there... at least... at least what? Maybe it's better this way.. I'm growing up & you're helping me.

comrade. what could've been better; would it have been better?

I hear you. My soul's drumming each beat out in sync with you. You know my music already. You know the pit lows and the high swings. I never taught you any of it. It makes me realize... this is it. But... the possibility... if that door would only open.... my heart's jumped a fence and leaped over to another destination... that destination could be 'it' too... but the doors are locked... And I'm knocking... knocking away... but.. man. that door's either made of tough wood.. or it's decidedly adamant against me. How nice it would've been if it leaped into your destination instead of .... there.... but.. it's so frustrating how I can't get it out of there and it's so happy there.

I'm crushed.

Why?

Why'd I choose... the hard way? I didn't even choose.
I didn't have a choice.

Why?

I'm glued. Will I ever be unglued? Will anything ever unglue me?

perhaps [adv.] ; red lines ?

I'm standing on the red line. one step forward and an increase in danger by 5 %. another step and an increase of 15 %. those numbers are all pretense but assumingly. however, if I pretend time froze and walked forward... then in my mind that danger is nonexistent. If time froze in my mind, even in the midst of chaos I'd be standing straight and tall... blindly having faith in vague mindlessness. It's totally ridiculous... what makes me wonder of such behavior though? is it the silent response to my heart's desire and the frustration that suffocates my mind that leads my thoughts astray to such vague mindlessness? perhaps.
for reasons unstated due to the depth of their shame, my thoughts are blank with the exception of those reasons. it may be that to avoid thinking of those troublesome matters that I am distracting myself by focusing on unimportant elements and bizarre spontaneous what ifs. is this what they call abstract? was abstract thinking born from blank souls desperate to fill the voids that was supposed to be their minds with some color no matter how crazily it developed? perhaps.

perhaps..

perhaps