blue skin.

the skin on my toes are so pale when I get home after working at the restaurant.

is that what happens when you're on them for eight hours straight?

i haven't really thought too much on it... just did.

wish i could just study.

not work.

i'm exhausted af right now... it's a good question why am i blogging when i'm this tired?

guess i just felt like i haven't written down my thoughts in a while.

i need a change of environment. or at least, people. i'm starting to get tired of this crowd. i want to isolate myself and start from scratch again.

kind of reflects on my personality in general... i go through the radical action of tossing everything away and starting from scratch often... it's how i train myself to become more adept to being noncommital.

i detach myself from my possessions, my surroundings... ready to move on whenever. at first it wasn't a voluntarily adaption... after wandering around without a place to call my own and lugging a couple boxes around here and there without a bed to call my own.... without parents to call my own. it just got me so wary of getting attached.

i subconsciously struggle to cut off all emotional strings to things, places, persons. there's always those few people that i am helplessly drawn to, and i go through at least one trial of trying to be as unattached as i can. it relates to how i always figuratively quote, "i like no strings attached. no contracts, no commitment."

but sometimes when i really think about the whole behavioral pattern - i'm aware... God. I keep running away because I've lost too often.. and each loss hurt so bad. And I'll continue running. But.... I desperately wish that someone will catch me... come after me... and tie me to one place. Because... it's like a homesick craving. I'm too afraid to go back, I'm too afraid to build my own.... and I'm so busy denying it - but I really just need a place, person, environment where I can lay my head down in peace.

oh goodness, I'm trolling. Lord knows what I've been saying - I'm half awake right now anyways.

I still want a change of crowd. environment. somewhere new... i've been through this one, and i haven't found one to hold on to me yet.